Werleman tells of a self-deprecating young teen, who was recommended for psychological review. Not only was he quiet and detached, his self-esteem was very low. His parents are both high functioning professionals with busy work schedules. The father’s goal was to work as hard as possible to be able to retire early. But in the meantime, there was no time left to truly pay attention to the teen, who spent all his time at home, hidden in his bedroom.  He did not even know what jobs his parents were doing, as the family had no special moments together and held no vertical conversations.

The psychologist told the father that looking to the future was all well and good, but that he is forgetting to live in the present and pay attention to his son, who in a few years may leave. “He was so focused on his retirement he had no time to give his child the attention and love he needs.” 

Aruba’s type of economy does not help either. The tourism industry is characterised by nine-hour workdays, six days a week and shifts, which can be challenging when raising children, Werleman says. “This is where policy comes in to play. These companies have to be able to provide the leeway and flexibility to parents to be able to tend to their children’s needs without being totally stressed out in the process. For instance, employers could allot time for parents to attend their children’s extracurricular activities or take their children for their doctor’s appointments. And it would be great if there were sessions on parenting at work as well. Happy employees who are happy parents raise happy children.” Dorilis Werleman admits the scope may seem overwhelming. “But we work solution-based, and the way I see it, we have to take one case at the time. We will get there, eventually.”

Signs of emotional neglect are the absence of warmth and love within the family. For instance, when a mother drops off or picks up a child at school without so much as a hug or a kiss. Parents may attend parent-teacher meetings, but remain quiet and uninterested; may congratulate a child for a good report card, but won’t go further than that; they don’t notice subtle changes in how the child dresses; or whether the child is a little flustered or sad. “The parents may do the functional and formal, mechanical tasks of parenting, but without spontaneity, warmth and personal gestures toward the child.”

Parents who cannot provide emotional care have a tendency to ask superficial questions or horizontal questions, without touching on what the child is feeling. “For example, some parents ask for the grades and may give advice to do better if the child is failing. But emotionally detached parents will not press on and ask why the child feels he or she is failing.” These are in-depth questions or vertical questions.

Dorilis Werleman is not blaming anyone in particular for this phenomenon. “If a person was never taught to eat vegetables as a child, he or she will not eat them as an adult. This is the same with emotions. If a person was never taught how to express emotions as a child, it is difficult to do so as an adult. So, it is a generational problem.” Heavy workloads, broken relations, and stress also contribute to the lack of proper attention for children. “Parents need to be present for their children. Not just physically.”

And what makes it more difficult to grasp is that children don’t ‘feel’ what they are lacking, because they don’t know what it is they ought to receive. Emotional abuse is more tangible. “’What are we doing wrong? is the reaction some parents give. We are not doing anything. We provide for food, clothing, classes. What else do we need to do?’ What we tell them is that that’s exactly the problem, they are not doing anything on the emotional level.”

Children need physical nourishment and care, but also need to learn how to regulate their emotions, how to pay attention to themselves and work on relations. Parents have to show their children how so they can apply those skills when they are adults. Emotional skills are as important as language skills. Children need to communicate and develop social skills to help the child, and later the adult, to better regulate and navigate relationships. In other words, parents are the first to teach children to successfully be mindful of social settings, how to ask, how to become independent. “Emotional neglect particularly impacts the development of the emotional and social skills necessary to lead fulfilling lives.” According to literature it’s common for emotional neglect survivors to be kind and empathetic towards their friends and family but callous when it comes to themselves. Focusing on the needs of others and struggling with setting boundaries can be signs of a lack of compassion for themselves.

Emotional neglect is different from emotional abuse. Both are forms of child maltreatment, but emotional abuse is different as it is an action, like name-calling or insults. Neglect is a failure to act; the child is just ignored. It is lack of acknowledgement of the child. “If a parent insults the child, he/ she is still acknowledging the presence of the child, and while the name-calling is not healthy, there is an attempt to educate,” Werleman says. “Emotional neglect means the parent is not even trying.” She emphasises, however, that both forms of emotional abuse are detrimental for the child’s development.

A quiet child in a classroom may be the dream of a teacher, but also the host of a myriad of unexpressed, and even unexplainable emotions. That child may be the victim of emotional neglect, one of the most impactful forms of child maltreatment that has lifelong ramifications. 

It is the result of a culture where children may be seen, but not heard, one which psychologist Dorilis Werleman is dead set on changing, one person at a time. Werleman, who runs her own private practice, led the implementation of the Codigo di Proteccion in the judicial sector. “Emotional neglect hampers children from learning the abilities and relational skills to cope with life.”

While emotional abuse is often recognisable, emotional neglect is much less so. Emotional neglect can cause low self-esteem, problems with emotion regulation, a lack of learning abilities and a lack of communication and relational skills to cope with life. So be alert if parents only show superficial interest in their children, Dorilis Werleman says.